Things I’d Like to See Happen at This Year’s Oscars



  • For her 20th nomination, Meryl Streep wins a free 8-inch sandwich from a participating Quiznos.
  • John Travolta spends 45 minutes trying to introduce “Moana” star Auli’i Cravalho.
  • “La La Land” only wins one category: Best Internet Backlash.
  • Instead of presenting Best Picture, Warren Beatty & Faye Dunaway just make out the whole time.
  • Dev Patel wins Supporting Actor, leads audience in high-energy flash mob.
  • Producers realize halfway through the show they hired the wrong Jimmy.
  • Winner gets cut off by orchestra, bludgeons musical director Harold Wheeler to death with their Oscar.
  • Through the magic of modern CGI, Best Visual Effects presented by slightly off-looking Peter Cushing.
  • They introduce something called “Electoral Oscars”.
  • The Academy finally gets around to nominating “Hoop Dreams”.
  • One of the night’s big winners declares, “Isn’t this all kinda phony?”
  • Entire ceremony cancelled, replaced with 3-hour “ShondaLand” marathon.

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